You can take your $99 TomTom and shove it, thank you.

I hate shopping. Well, I don't really hate shopping, I just hate crowds, and lines, and surly cashiers, and having to pee with a cart full of stuff, and people who walk in front of me and start flipping through a rack while hello, I'm standing right here, and credit card bills. Other than that, I LOVE shopping.

Love it, love it, love it.

I have never been shopping on the day after Thanksgiving, or Black Friday, as it's called. I won't even go near the supermarket, in the event that god forbid, they've slashed prices on aluminum foil and canned peas in a competitive spirit. If I ruled the world, I would do all my shopping at 3am in empty stores while the rest of the world slept but everything else, including Starbucks, would be open for my benefit. Oh, and Cinnabons would cause rapid weight loss.

I don't even like DRIVING on Black Friday. I stay at home and imagine streets filled with madwomen who have been up since 3am, trunks filled with shopping bags, angrily crashing into each other trying to get to Old Navy before their coupon expires.

Fuck that noise.

I plan to spend tomorrow in my house. Where it's safe, and there's popcorn, and a nice view of the lake. Good luck to the rest of you.

PS, I need a juicer.

Edited to add:

Nov. 28, 2008 - Wal-Mart worker dies in Black Friday stampede