Please, say it like I'm an English as a Second Language six year old with Fetal Alchohol Syndrome.

A recent TV commercial sends my eye into an eye-twitching frenzy every time it comes on the TV and I had to say something about it, because holy cow, I'm getting tired of the media talking to me in pretty little words like I'm sitting here in a helmet with a credit card in my hand.

The Corn Refiners Association is trying to tell us that high-fructose corn syrup is a natural, and non-harmful food additive, and is counting on you not knowing your fat ass from your fat elbow.

The commercial starts with two women at a party, one of whom is pouring a bright red beverage into a glass. The other one says, “Woooow, you don’t care what the kids eat, huh?” and the other one smiles and says, “Excuse me?”.

Did a man write this script? “You don’t care what the kids eat, huh” is enough to get you stabbed at any mommy gathering. I don’t care who you are.

What the fu- ? Who the f- ? DIE, BITCH! (gurgle), would be a more appropriate response.

When the should-have-been-iced mom is asked what’s wrong with high-fructose corn syrup, she starts stuttering, can’t come up with an answer, and talks about the other mom’s shirt.

Here’s your answer, dumbass.

High fructose corn syrup is NOT natural. Yes, it comes from corn. Gin comes from juniper berries, but I’m not about to start drinking it instead of water.

High fructose corn syrup is corn syrup that is PROCESSED by the addition of enzymes (as in, not natural, try and stick with me) to raise the fructose content. Fructose is sugar. Like refined white sugar, which is sucrose, lactose, and fructose, and also not natural – refined, hello… Corn syrup on its own is mainly glucose, that is derived from corn in the form of a starch-gluten suspension, and is used commercially to extend foods’ shelf life. Large quantities of fructose stimulate the liver to produce triglycerides, promotes glycation of proteins and induces insulin resistance.

Manufacturers use it because it’s cheaper. Not because it’s a fantastic, natural thing that they want to share with you, or because they care that you can’t squeeze into your fat pants any more without a shoehorn.

Why avoid it? Because like any sugar, it makes you fat. But avoiding it means that you have to start reading labels, because high-fructose corn syrup is in everything from soda to ketchup. By checking labels and opting for real, natural foods instead of processed foods that contain high-fructose corn syrup or refined sugar, your diet and health improve, and the world is a better place.

However, now you should just avoid it because the Corn Refiners Association thinks you’re a fat, stupid moron who can’t think for yourself. Yes, you. If you don’t think they’re talking to you, come over here and let me smack you in your damn head.

Corn Refiners Association, I’m sorry that you put food on your own tables through your income from high-fructose corn syrup, but since you don't care about my health and think it's ok to shovel your bullshit at me, I'm not too worried about you. Time to go back to school and learn how to do something else.

Try Alaskan King Crab fishing, that looks lucrative.

Or public office. They’re taking anyone these days.